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Monopoly

Here’s the latest news to come out of Hollywood beside the latest updates on Britney Spear and Lindsey Lohan, Hasbro, the toy company and board game maker, announced today via BusinessWire that it has struck a deal with Universal Studios to create six feature films based on its board games, namely —Monopoly, Candy Land, Clue, Ouiji, Battleship, Magic, the gathering and Stretch Armstrong.

Perhaps you were like me and the first thing to come to mind was “What the f*ck are the thinking? How do you make a movie about Monopoly or Battleship?” While this is a great brand strategy on Hasbro’s part, someone at Universal must be just crazy to think that the commercial success of Transformers can be easily recreated with other classic children’s toys from the 80s. It must be what top marketing senior executives call, “Thinking Out Of the Box,” but it’s just so far removed from being a viable idea that most of these movies have the word, FLOP, written all over it. Hasbro just has generated too much money to burn from the sales of every variation of Monopoly thats been sold.

Here are my thoughts on each of Hasbro’s would-be movies:

  • Monopoly – Probably an ensemble comedy about a bunch of would-be millionaires and money makers. In accordance to the game, someone will be thrown in jail, and someone will become rich, building properties on Broadway and Park Place while taking away more money from the residents of low-income housing and properties at Baltic Avenue.
  • Candy Land – A kid’s fantasy movie thats probably computer-animated or possessing of a lot of CGI. I can’t help but think that this film will look like its on crack, like someone threw up cotton candy everywhere. It will be perfect for little girls everywhere who think of themselves as a princess.
  • Clue – If I recall correctly, the earliest board game based-movie was Clue, which was made in 1985 (so I guess the new Clue movie will be either a remake or a sequel) which was actually pretty funny and entertaining but not commercially successful. Perhaps Universal is hoping to cash in on the cult following, as the original Clue movie did not gain traction until now.
  • Ouiji – A family-friendly ghost story that’s similar to Jamanji. It will be about a bunch of good-looking kids who summon a great evil through their nifty Hasbro Ouji board that’s been cursed by the devil.
  • Battleship – A war movie thats based on an aircraft carrier during which someone will say “You sunk my battle ship!”
  • Magic, the Gathering – A LOTR or Narnia wannabe that will be an ode to the fantasy/science fiction geeks who love it. Though it would be more hilarious if it were coming of age story about Magic geeks who battle in basements after school.
  • Stretch Arm Strong – Probably a cheesy/too-much CGI super hero movie that’s in the same league with Under Dog, which got a 15% on Rotton Tomatoes, by the way.

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